So I have made a very conscious effort to be in the word and to actually take a quiet time to pray. something that I have very seldom done and to date never stuck to for very long. I have also begun to do a devotional with the kids in the morning at breakfast. I have often heard it said that the enemy hates to see these activities, and will come against believers when they press into God. This is were I feel I am at. We have had a myriad of ridiculous stuff happen lately. Little things that add stress to my days and have caused me to fall into this mood of constant questioning, frustration and griping to others about our circumstances. I have also struggled with my state of mind, feeling constantly like my brain is in a dark fog, unable to make complete thoughts or express my self in in a manner that is comprehensible to others. I feel that I use the words "I don't know" or "I'm worried that (fill in the blank)". entirely way to much. I have found myself asking the question "Why is Christianity not fun, why do I constantly feel like I suck at this and why do I bother to keep doing this"
I have prayed that God would take all this fear and frustration from me
"How? how is he going to do that?"...the dark and fogged part of my brain asks?
I believe the Lord is telling me to write down the things that have happened this week that have showed "How".....here they are.....
Sunday we had an amazing message delivered by Craig Flack about perseverance. He shared a verse
Psalm 13:1-4 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give Light to my eyes, or i will sleep in death; my enemy will say "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. Wait, back up the bus, these negative thoughts and feeling directed toward God are IN the bible" LIGHT BULB MOMENT HERE PEOPLE. Why do i feel so guilty about harboring these feelings when God is fully aware that these feelings exist and that he does not look down at me like a scolding parent for whining and complaining. He knows I'm a sinner, that I lack faith, people have been questioning him since the beginning of time...the message I recieved "Stop beating yourself up. i didn't call you to be perfect, i called you to have faith and trust. Do you want to stop running in this circle of fear and self doubt? Then trust me now!" (thanks Sandy Rieske for this analogy)
The announcer on K-Love shared that her father often encouraged her to pray that God would turn her fears into faith. My fears: Why do I fear conflict with others, why do I fear starting a job, why do i fear growing spiritually). What I feel God is telling me; "Have faith that God will give me words, have faith that a new job will come and I will handle it just fine, have faith that growing spiritually can only bring positive things."
I have continued to listen to the bible daily and have begun to pray more specific. I am doing it, I am persevering. I am praying prayers that have been written by someone else, but its written down and its specific and it's not me going to God and praying in circles, I'm praying specifically and praying that God will help me to trust in them.
Through the daily devotional I have been doing with the kids. today it said "if you still don't understand why things are a certain way... (Um, yeah God: why am I such a nut job struggling with my mental health, why is all this piddly crap happening, why am I finding myself so frustrated with my family, why do i feel like such a crappy christian)...decide to trust him anyway. Don't rely only on what you understand, but admit that God's mind is greater than yours". (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I feel like I have seen God in a totally different light this week and I pray that this mind set that I have right this moment continues.
Oh yeah I almost forgot, remember that verse I shared Psalm 13: 1-4 where that guy totally rips God a new one.... You know what the end of that Psalm is? Psalm 13:5-6 "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." (*He has, look past your circumstances Jill.*)
